Rock Out.

I find some things especially tricky to maneuver as a parent.  Particularly in our currently social and political climate, I am instantly on my heels when Rex talks about girls in a “crushy” kinda way.  It started last year with a “beautiful” girl in his class.  I waiver between thinking it’s very sweet and normal to being hyper anxious that he learns the appropriate ways to channel and express these feelings in a respectful way.  Luckily, he is very sensitive and aware, and seems to get it.  Well, now Rocky seems interested in the subject.  Shit.

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What started about a month ago as a random comment here or there has turned into a complete obsession.  Whenever two people show any interest in one another, romantically or otherwise, the questions begin.  “Are they going to get married?  Are they going to kiss?  Are they going to fall in love?”

The other day he gave me his ipad and asked, “Mom, can you find videos of people kissing?” No, I can’t Rocky.  That is called porn.

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A couple of weeks ago my mom took him to her neighborhood cookout, and a five-year-old little girl named Bella arrived with in a red dress, fancy shoes, and earrings.  OH, THE EARRINGS.  We haven’t stopped talking about the earrings.  Last week while driving he asked, “Mom, can you tell me a story about Rocky and Bella.”  “Sure, buddy. One day, Rocky and Bella were playing at the playground together—” he interrupted me immediately, “Get to the kissing part!!!” “What?!” “Mom! Say that I kissed her and called her Darling!”  Uhhhhhh, what the whaaaa? No.

And most recently he snuggled up next to me on the couch and endearingly said, “Mommy, show me your black thing.”  (Spoiler alert: Not a lot of time for maintenance over here.  And also kind of a throwback to when Rex asked me if I had MULTCH on my privates.)  My what?  “Your black thing.  Your pinsee!”  Oh, I don’t have a pinsee, buddy.  Remember, girls have vaginas.  “YEAH! Show me your vagina! I LOVE VAGINAS!” What?! Fuck. 

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I guess the point here is that I think my son might be the next Ron Jeremy.  But I hope not.  But I’m not sure.  So wish me luck.

Let's Be Friends

Guys! I’m Samm. A couple of years ago I had a blog with my friend Britt called Who Runs This Mutha. But then life kinda got crazy and we fell off the map. (We are still in love, don’t worry.) Well, I’m back. Sorry if you thought she was funnier.

So, let me catch you up. Or, let’s meet for the first time. Either way, Hi.

I have three kids now. Rex is in Kindergarten, Rocky is in his first year of preschool, and my little Bizzy just turned one. Why do my kids’ birthdays feel like funerals? They always hit me like a sucker punch and I quickly mentally escalate to a vision of dropping someone off in a dorm room and end up crying into my latte. When I look at my kids though, I actually don’t want to rewind time—I know that it keeps getting better, and more fun! But I also want to birth each of them again and smell their new breath and put their tiny toes in my mouth and the fact that I can’t do that makes me want to hide under a blanket for all of eternity. Okay?! And I felt some pressure around my long awaited daughter’s first birthday. It kind of felt like my motherhood Quinceanera. And then I blacked out and invited a bunch of reptiles to the party and because I couldn’t decide which pink outfit accent was the best I dressed her like this…

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It’s very nonbinary, I know. I did put Matt and the boys in gender-nonconforming pink shirts to even things out, SO THERE! Matt and Rex are always down for a good theme and Rocky fights everything until he finally stops and then I slide in and get my way.

Rex is living for Kindergarten and is running for Mayor of Beverly in 2019. He is starting to roll his eyes at me and when I cheer for him at his flag football games he looks over at me, throws his hands in the air and says, “whatever.” Yeah, sorry dude. Just thought I would throw you a bone and show you a little support since you have been running in the wrong direction on every play for the last thirty five minutes. At least he still snuggles with me.

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Rocky is at that sweet age where he is an unpredictable motherfucker who goes from zero to one hundred in a half second. His favorite food is the egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts, except when he kicks and screams and throws it on the floor of the car because “it tastes like pickles”, which is about twenty percent of the time He is my greatest challenge.

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So I guess that’s where I’m at right now. One year down into being a mom of three and it’s pretty awesome. I will also say that Bizzy is insanely easy and happy and chill. And if she wasn’t I would likely be pulling what’s left of my hair out and eating more CBD gummies than I already do. #notanad #buttrythegummies