You know who can suck it? Moms (and Dads) with big matter-of-fact opinions on parenting. Seriously, if that’s you, KINDLY SUCK IT. Statements like, “I would never let my child eat frozen food” or “We don’t watch TV in our house” or “We don’t let our kids have those kinds of toys”---what are you trying to accomplish with that statement? I am not at all offended with what you choose to do with your little family. More power to you! But those kinds of comments, no matter what the intention, sound judgy. They translate to, “I think you are a shit mom if you are doing the thing that I am saying that I would never do.” But, you didn’t mean it that way? Sorry, it doesn’t matter. Just do you, with your rules, and your choices, and do it happily. And do it quietly—without the Facebook announcement or casually-slipped-in comment. Because you don’t know what works best for me, raising my kids. And we are all fucking this up and being super heroes and making mistakes and killing it all at the same time. We are all trying really really hard, regardless of screen time or processed food count. Okay?

Whoa, where did that come from? I actually don’t even know, but there it is. Ahhh, I feel better.

Anyway, it is the CHRISTMAS mutha effing SEASON, ya’ll.


And I LOVEEEEE me some holiday cheer. I started shopping a while ago (yeah, I am one of those), mostly because I just get SO jacked up about giving presents and it’s the only way to control my October Christmas boner. I am also a big fan of the two for you, one for me shopping approach. So, oops? And don’t get it twisted, I can not afford my Christmas lifestyle at all. But, I dunno, YOLO? #sorrymatt. I mean, who even goes to the mall anymore on Black Friday when you can just buy everything online. ME. That’s who. I don’t ever even need anything, I just want to be in the presence of my fellow consumers with my holiday Starbucks cup (BASICCCC) in hand, listening to the Christmas songs, breathing in all the germs that the holiday season has to offer. Oh, what was that? 50% off? Don’t mind if I do.


So naturally we are in full holiday swing at our house the moment the last bite of turkey is easten. Multiple trees, lots of battery-operated singing Christmas characters curtesy of my Mother-in-Law, lights, and lots of tinsel. GIVE ME ALL THE TINSEL. And not coincidentally we are raising a couple of (oversized) fucking elves. Every night Rex changes into various “Christmas clothes” and dances to Christmas music until he inevitably “feels sick” and “really needs attention”. Then he gathers all the pillows and makes himself a bed under the tree because he “just wants to be really close to the Christmassy things.” Guys, HE’S COOL. (See Below)


Rocky thinks that he is the actual Grinch and spends much of his time method acting. When he isn’t doing that, he is obsessing over the story of Rudolph. Well, technically Rocky calls him Reindolph, and he is infatuated with the part where “all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names”, so he spends HOURS pretending to be Reindolph and demanding that I “tease him.” “Mom! Pretend I am Reindolph and you tell me that I am not fast and I have a weird nose and I will never guide the sleigh! DO IT! Tell me I can’t play the games!” So, there we are, him pretending to be an adorable little Reindeer and me yelling at him that he sucks and is a loser and can’t play the fucking games. I feel like he’s gunna be into some weird shit as an adult.


And to think, we’ve still got a longggg way to go ‘till Christmas.