Toddler for Sale.

So remember when I said I am obsessed with newborns? Like, gimme ALL the teeny babies. I want to have fifteen more of them before I die. But ya know what I zero more of? 1.5 year olds. Tricky, right? Ideally I would like to become pregnant with my baby an hour before I go into labor, give birth (I know I’m weird, I love BIRTH and I’m not afraid to say it!! But also, #ALLTHEDRUGZ) and then snuggle and eat my tiny little fucker until he/she turns one and then I will ship them away and have them returned to me around their third birthday. Guys, what I am trying to say is, BIZZY CURRENTLY SUCKS.


I don’t mean it. I don’t. But this stage is fucking TOUGH for me. She spends about seventy percent of her awake time on top of my kitchen table. I have two completely idiotic sons. Neither one of them did this. WHYYYYYY, OH SWEET JESUS, IS THIS HER FAVORITE PLACE?! And when she isn’t there, she is one of two other places, guaranteed. In the bathroom with her hands in the toilet, or scaling the open IKEA shelves that I have set up as an open pantry with all the kid’s snacks because we are in a rental and I figured, ‘how annoying could this be for a short period of time’. Verdict is in folks, and survey says, VERY FUCKING ANNOYING. And, no, the new rubbermaid/cooler barricade I’ve created doesn’t help.


She is also teething like a bastard so EVERY SINGLE THING from highlighters to crystals to foam robot shooter things are going into her mouth. I basically have to have my eye on her EVERY second or it is death via falling off the table, being crushed by an over-sized, misplaced shelf, or choking on piece of black tourmaline. And the frustration that comes with the lack of communication at this age is CRAY. Like, WHAAAAT DO YOU WANNNNNNNNT?!?!? The “ehhhhhh ehhhhh ehhhh” game is meant for someone A LOT more patient than I. Plus she just topped off a three day fever with double pink eye, which she then gave to Rex and Rocky was sick in the middle of that. So, HELL YEAH!


In Rocky news, latest his challenge is that he hates any and all articles of clothing. Getting him dressed is John Cena v. Randy Orton every morning. I actually thought I had a black eye last week. He “hates” jeans and short pants and tie pants and tight pants and stupid pants and he doesn’t like tags or bunchy socks or shirts with “marks on them”. And no, it’s not a sensory issue. The problem is that everything “looks so dumb” or that he “looks like a weirdo”. Dude, hate to break it to ya, it’s not the clothes that are the issue.

That’s all for today. Go Pats.