IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. I repeat, IT. IS. NEVER. ENOUGH.
Today we went to the Aquarium in Boston. It’s not close, it’s not easy, and it’s not cheap. But we are in winter-hell and Rex was home from school and they are at such enthusiastic and curious ages so I thought this would feel special and make them really happy.
The first meltdown happened before we even left the house. It was brought on by Rocky’s realization that I was going with him. See, my mom was coming with us too, so when she arrived he thought it was a solo Gigi mission. So when he saw me put my coat on it was over. And ya know what, I have seen a lot of kids “flip out”. I have yet to see anyone I know hold a fucking candle to Rocky Davidson. I mean, I am not trying to brag, but I think I win this one. I really, really do. “Mom of the kid who throws the loudest most exciting and obvious and scene causing tantrums goes to…” And the beauty of Rocky is that he doesn’t care who is around or where he is. He is not reserving this insanity for just family, he is letting it shine. IT’S FUCKING SHINING.
Thankfully he did calm down after I muscled him into the car and my mother told him “stories about Mommy getting hurt” per his request (not making that up). And after a long car ride, we arrived at the aquarium.
After a ton of cool exhibits, feeling up some sting rays, three-finger-touching when the sign said two-finger-touching some starfish, Rex requests we go to the movie theater in an adjacent building to see a movie about the great deep sea. We sit down and transition right into the second meltdown of the day, when Rex realizes that this movie does not require 3D glasses. “What?! I don’t need to wear glasses?!! This is so dumb!” “No, no, Rex it’s going to be great!” “Well, it’s already boring. It’s never gunna be good at all!” Arms crossed. Pissed-off face. And then throughout the movie under his breath at random parts sarcastically, “Bravo. Bravo.” WHO MADE YOU?!
Rocky was bullshit that the scuba diver was not in the tank at the exact time that we walked by the windows of the giant ocean tank. Rex said the cafeteria makes disgusting pizza and fries. Bizzy shit twice and loved everything.
Finally, time to leave. This is ALWAYS when the real Davidson magic happens. Guys, we don’t leave well. I don’t care where we are, you will know we are leaving. It is loud, and tearful, and angry as hell. First Rex spots the gift shop and asks if he “can get a toy because he always gets a toy when he comes here.” No. Not today, buddy. Sorry. “But, but, but mom can I talk to you over here?”, trying to bait me over to a weird corner to guilt me—NO, Rex. No. Then he starts talking/crying to himself. “Come on, Rex. Come on. Why do you do this? Why do you keep looking over there? Stop looking at the toys, Rex.” Whatever. MUTE.
Then I go to put Rocky’s coat on. “Are we going to Gigi’s house when we get home?” Oh, fuck. I’m dead. “No.” BOOM. Transported to fucktown.
I wrestle him (on the actual floor) to put his coat on, and power-carry him to the car kicking and screaming while my mom pushes Bizzy and I threaten Rex with each step to keep moving. Can you see why the solo adult outings with these assholes is a little hard for me?!?
Anyway, Rocky fell asleep within seven minutes of leaving the parking garage and we made it home and blah blah who cares. Point is, even when I get dressed and out the door and provide these crazies with a big, fun adventure and therefore should be feeling like I’m having a successful mom day, it still inevitably ends with me feeling like an asshole with spoiled kids and no control over my life or my offspring. The end.