I was in the big target bathroom stall with all three kids the other day, something I try hard to avoid but always ends up happening. See, there is something about the mom version of me and bathrooms. They always bring out a very strange, very brainless side of me. First, I changed Bizzy on the pull-down changing table, where she kicked and screamed and tried to alligator roll off while simultaneously licking the half-eaten 8am lollipop that Rex found in the backseat of the van and had given to her on the way in the store. Rex was a quick, uneventful piss, thankfully. Then Rocky’s turn. Always rolling the dice with him--he likes to get fully nude much of the time, sometimes forgets to aim, whatever. But again, success. Amazing. Now my turn. The minute I pull my pants down and sit all hell breaks loose. They know I am at a disadvantage. This is their power play. Rex starts to bang loudly on the toilet paper dispenser like a drum and Bizzy hits the deck, army crawling under the partition to the next stall. “Rex! Get Bizzy!” #thatswhatshesaid “MOM!!!!! AHHHHH! MOMMMMM!!!!” Now Rocky is screaming. “There is pee on my leg!!! It’s dripping!!!” Poor little bastard didn’t shake it out and sure enough, big stream of pee running down his leg. I grab the toilet paper and notice that Rex is in fact not getting Bizzy, but is undoing the lock on the door to expose me to the rest of the bathroom. Fuck. Moving quickly. I roll the toilet paper in a ball, wipe all the pee off of Rocky’s leg and without thinking, youuuuuuuu guessed it (because believe it or not I have done something oddly similar before) I wiped myself with THAT SAME toilet paper, I pulled my pants up, grabbed Rocky, exited the stall just as Rex was opening it up, scooped Bizzy from the (thankfully empty) stall next to me, quickly washed our hands, and headed to the fuckmeintheass aisle because I had just wiped my son’s piss all over my very own mom vagina. GIVE IT UP FOR 2019, BABY!
Something else worthy of noting is that Rex is developing the people-pleasing, kinda-butt-kissing schtick lately. I don’t know who he gets this from, but I will say it’s probably from one of his parents and it’s not me. So, I don’t know. A couple days ago him and Rocky were swimming with my brother and his girlfriend (Oh, hey Mar!) and they started playing a little game with the boys about their favorite stuff (favorite food, favorite show, favorite color, etc.) Then they asked the ultimate, “Guys, what is your favorite thing. Like, one thing in the universe that is your ultimate favorite, what is it?” Of course, Rocky said farts or buttholes or something and then Mr. Profound stepped up to the plate. “Well, my favorite thing of all time is Dr. Luther King, because he made the world more peaceful.” Now, listen, that is fucking AMAZING, right?! Hell yeah for fucking DOCTOR LUTHER KING (#martinoptional), obviously I am proud as shit for that answer but like ehhhhhhhh is that really your favorite thing, pal, or are you trying to earn a few notches on the old I’M A GREAT GUY belt? Kinda like when Matty arrives home from work and my grandmother is over and he goes right upstairs, doesn’t even change out of his work clothes, comes down with two baskets full of laundry and just starts folding it for all to see. Like, he is an amazing teammate around the house but typically he at least takes off his Cole Haans before folding. Pffff, men are weird.