EXIT

Exits are wild.  I am sure I have said it before, but I think I need to repeat, (DAVIDSON) EXITS ARE WILD.  I watch other kids leave places and situations with their shit together and it amazes me.  Like, what kind of sorcery is that mom using to get that kid to leave the <<insert any remotely fun or interesting place here>> without throwing a cosmic level meltdown?  We are one of those special kinda families—when we arrive, you know it, and when we leave, you REALLY fucking know it.  And it totally sucks for me because I am a real ‘Irish Goodbye’ kinda bitch.  Like, ‘okayyyyy, it’s been real, but we are done so we are just gunna sneak on outta here and no one even needs to know that we’re gone’. Nope.  STOMP! SCREAM! DROP TO THE FLOOR AND LICK THE DIRT.  Nothing to see here, folks! Just a coupla crazies with a transition issue and an inability to stop partying.  In order to get off the beach this weekend I had to carry Rocky barking and yelling while Rex stomped behind me crying, telling me it was “the worst day of his life” since we were leaving “before he got to show anyone his flounder”.  Matt was left carrying all our belongings on his own which meant no hands left to carry Bizzy.

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It ain’t easy bein’ Bizzy.

And do you know what time it is?  Do ya?  It’s time for my (dun dun dun…) end of summer anxiety to start perking up, babayyyyy!  Not to be confused with my holiday anxiety, anykindofchange anxiety, event anxiety, toomuchpeopletime anxiety, post-dessert anxiety, or kidsgrowinguptoofast anxiety—no, no, those are different. Equally fun, but different.  Do you want to know what it’s like to be in my head right now in these last few days of July?  Cool. Here it is:

Wait, it’s already August?!  Summer is basically over.  I need fall clothes.  Wait, no.  Who cares about clothes.  I shouldn’t care about clothes.  But I need new sweaters.  Lightweight ones.  Cute ones.  And shoes.  I’m gunna start wearing real clothes this fall.  I’m not gunna wear sweatpants everyday and I’m gunna wear jeans and blowdry my hair.  It will be a whole new me.  I’m gunna workout all the time too, really early in the morning. And I will probably stop eating sugar.  I will definitely do all of that.  Definitely in the fall and it’s almost fall because it’s almost August.  Did the kids have enough fun so far this summer?  Shit, did they?!  Was I present and in the moment enough? I don’t think I was.  I should try to catch more frogs.  Maybe I should build a real wrestling arena for them in the backyard.  No, that’s a very dumb idea.  Maybe we should go to the beach more.  We haven’t gone to the beach enough.  Ugh, I think I told them they could camp out in the backyard and I still haven’t even bought a tent. I should buy a tent.  Maybe I should get them a Guinea pig.  No, that doesn’t even make sense.  Wait, I still haven’t scheduled the kid’s dentist appointments.  FUCK.  This is getting negligent I need to schedule them but now when I call they are gunna be like, “Hi sucky mom, do you even care about oral hygiene?” No, it doesn’t matter I gotta call anyway.  Are Rocky’s teeth too spread out?...

CAN YOU SEE HOW I GO CRAZY IN HERE?!

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And you thought you were fucked up.  You’re welcome.