Entertaining the Crazies

So, we are bullfrogging people now. Every couple days we head on down to the old swamp with some nets and now my whole car smells bad and all three kids have permanently stained swamp feet. We don’t even bring shoes anymore because why fight, and while Rex started off dipping his net in from the edge, he now is chest deep within the first ten minutes. We all, but definitely Rex, probably have a flesh eating parasite disease or some kind of muck fungus. But, SUMMER YA’LL!


But yeah, it’s fun so far. The boys fight ALL DAY. Physically, mostly, which is great. Kicking, punching, ball throwing, spitting! Spitting feels so insane. And I definitely don’t handle it right because I think I have read that I am supposed to stay chill and speak calmly to them and instead I go full Amber Portwood on their asses and my head spins around and I yell long idiotic sentences just proving that exactly NO ONE in our house can keep their shit together. I actually primed myself some books last week—“How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so your Kids will Talk” (personally only gunna read the first half of that one) and “The Explosive Child”. I am really optimistic that if I log some quiet book time all my problems will be solved. Pffffff.

One particularly great day for us was last week. It was eighty-five degrees and a friend of mine and I packed up our combined five children (Bizz got left behind) and drove over an hour to a Zoo in Maine that is attached to an amusement park. Rex punched Rocky in the back of the head the entire ride and Rocky almost choked himself with a metallic birthday necklace, twice. And once we arrived the kids were 1% about the zebras and tigers and feeding the deer…


…and 99% about the germ-infested burlap sack three bump slide and the metal “Fun House” with the revolving exit. At one point even a carny said to me, “I have given your son two warnings so now its up to you!” “Hey, fuck off pal, I’ve got a few chapters left of my new book before I even stand a chance!”

And of course once we got home from our six hour round trip adventure Rex hit me with, “Mom, can we go frogging?” “No, not right now buddy. We just did a whole day at the zoo! It’s time to relax a little.” Fists clenched, yelling, crying, shadow boxing, finding a plastic cup and ripping it to shreds and throwing the pieces everywhere. “THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!!!!!” Ohhhhhh snap, NO HE DIDN’T. You little mother effing piece of spoiled shit I just sweat through my clothes for hours carrying your scared sorry ass through the haunted house, digging through my wallet for quarters so you could feed the ducks, and I even squeezed my butt on the damn squeaking kids carnie-coaster so you wouldn’t be afraid and THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?!?!?!?!? I love him though, he’s fucking great.

Also, what’s the protocol when your kid whips his dick out in front of new friends on your watch? #askingforafriend