The Way Life Should Be

We went up to Maine last weekend to visit my grandmother and lemme tell ya, seven hours in a car with my kids is too much. “But it was worth it, right?! They had so much fun!” Nope. I do not care how much fun they had, if I have to do another car ride with Bizzy where she yells my name seventeen million times while throwing cheespuffs at me and kicking the window, I will actually die. But ya know what—I am completely lying and everything is about them and their fun and I will go again next weekend if they really want to. Guys, this is why BEING A MOTHER IS FUCKED UP.

My grandmother’s house is a little kid’s heaven. A lake, a boat, a bunch of weird chickens, golf carts that my grandmother does pop-a-wheelies with them on when I’m not looking, ice cream for breakfast, swim out floats, frogs who apparently eat bread, crab apple picking, and fishing. SO. MUCH. ACTION. I honestly had not finished unpacking the car and my grandmother had changed Bizzy into a newly purchased lady bug tutu dress and was bring her down to feed the chickens and Rex was doing donuts around the yard with my uncle on a four wheeler.

You can imagine how #celexa Sammy handles all these activities. It has taken years of Matty pep-talks for me to be okay with the golf cart, and every time they wander down to the chicken coop alone I am positive they are going to be eaten by a bear. And before you call me crazy you should know we have had some near misses over the years.

A couple of weeks ago, my grandmother had to drive Bizzy around on the golf cart because it was the only way to get her to sleep and she was climbing out of the pack n’ play. I finally went outside after her 97th lap around the house to see Bizzy very, very asleep dangling off the moving golfcart, my grandmother holding onto her by her arm yelling, “She’s out!! And to be honest, I almost fell asleep myself!” Close calls are fun.

And last year Matt and I took Rex to some lady’s property down the road who apparently was not home but had a “wonderful pond with some turtles and frogs.” Two minutes after arrival he fell into the pond onto GIANT snapping turtles. Matt had to jump him and grab him as I screamed, sure I was living out a fatal ending of “When Animals Attack”.


This visit was actually very tame, thankfully. Although Rocky did sleep on my face for an entire night and I am pretty sure he ate a fishing lure on day two. And Bizzy and Rex did leave with an unidentified skin rash that they definitely didn’t arrive with but ya know what, THAT’S LAKE LIFE, BABY! And to add to the fun, my brother and his girlfriend were there this time! So, at night instead of flipping through live tv (1998) we sipped cocktails and hammered Smartfood and played charades. And while most game contributions consisted of normal things like “Beyonce” and “Picking Blueberries” I took the liberty of making the night weird by adding “Buffalo Sex”. Try acting that one out!