Back to School

So summer is almost over and while all the motherhood meme accounts that I usually relate to are all, “FUCK YEAHHH SEE YA KIDS, BYEEE”, I am over here feeling all kinds of sad. Because even though they are crazy and annoying and impossible and exhausting, I actually love having my kids in my possession all the time.

And getting back on a schedule sucks. Now I’m not some go-with-the-flow hippie chick, I’m not nearly that cool. I need a plan, but I like it to be MY plan. And 7:45am school ain’t my plan. I dare you to set foot in my house on a Monday morning as I try to get Rex and (dear sweet Jesus) Rocky off to school. From the moment I answer, “Yes” when asked if it’s a school day, to the moment I drop them off is complete and utter mayhem. Rex refuses breakfast, Rocky refuses underwear, both refuse to brush their teeth, and I might as well be asking them to do long-division when I tell them to put their shoes on. And by the time we are ready to leave I usually realize that Bizzy has been totally lost in the shuffle and is naked eating Nerf bullets on the top bunk. It is a cluster-fuck in the realest way. It’s a real set-up if you ask me.

And to complicate things, drop-offs and pick-ups really don’t align at this stage in life. So to avoid stopping back home for small twenty-minute increments, we end up driving aimlessly around or sitting for long periods of time in parking lots before and after school. I end up trapped inside hell-on-wheels with Rocky and Bizzy while they scream-cry about how bored they are and throw their shoes at me. Oh, and it totally screws up Bizzy’s nap, So she’s extra fun.


And try packing 180 lunches for two people who don’t eat fucking lunch food. Sandwiches? No. Fruit? Negative. Vegetables? Try again. Cheese puffs, gogurt, fruit snacks, ritz crackers, cookies, and mini muffins? Hell yeah! That’s not embarrassing for me at all in a culture that is trying to promote health and wellness in children. And all the prepackaged processed shit is actually expensive. So I look like a deadbeat and I’m broke. But it’s great. EAT UP, BOYS!

And this is where I might sound crazy but TAKE ME AS I AM—I don’t like them existing in a place where they are graded and evaluated and might feel less-than. I want them to live in a cozy little euphoria where everyone feels equal and they have an obnoxious amount of self-esteem and self-love and never feel sad or bad or let down. And before you tell me that it’s the sad, frustrating, challenging experiences in life that help people grow and enjoy the good times or whatever blahblahshit people say—the bottom line is that I WANT MY KIDS TO FEEL HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL ONE HUNDRED PERCENT THE TIME BECAUSE THEY CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA, THAT’S ALL. OKAY ?! But like, congrats Tommy on your check-plus in reading and your “great listening skills”. Whoopieshit. Who needs that stuff anyway?! #ohrighteveryone #whatever

And don’t even get me started on friend-cliques and in-groups and out-groups in school because I am not mentally ready for it and the thought of one of my assholes feeling ‘left out’ makes me want to ugly-cry and the thought of them leaving someone else out makes me want to ugly-cry harder. And it’s all inevitable and unavoidable and I am just not ready for any of it.

But ya know what? I do love fall fashion. So, maybe I will be okay. Nevermind.

NOTE: I don’t see a therapist regularly anymore and as I re-read this I am seeing there is still a need. Don’t worry, okay? I SEE IT.